I feel like I'm Starting Over

I feel like I'm starting over.  Partly because, well, I'm starting over.  I took some major steps backwards.  It's very frustrating.  I feel cheated.  I am unable to take a moment off from training or eating well, or I start slipping.  And it's a slippery slope.  I take time "off" from working out and gain a little weight. I gain weight, I get depressed.  I get depressed, I eat.  I eat, I gain weight and don't want to work out.

I quit the nutrition program when I couldn't justify the cost.  And when football season hit, I had trouble making time for the gym.  I wasn't eating well and wasn't exercising.  My shoulder was as painful as it had been all year.  I was worrying that I had a torn rotator cuff.

I'm unable to do overhead work at this time.  Though, now that I'm working with Mobility Mike, I'm getting my shoulder feeling better and over head work is getting easier.  I used to *love* OH squats.  But now I'm struggling with them.  I'm excited to get that back.   And I'm having trouble hanging from the bar.  I haven't been able to do pull ups yet, but right now I'm afraid that I can't do knee raises either.  I'm freaking out a little about that.

I've gained a bunch of weight.  I'm not back at my pre-crossfit weight. But I'm pretty unhappy with where I am.  And if I don't get some control of myself I'll be there soon.    I'm back to going to the gym regularly.  And I've got a plan to get a walk in 3-4 times per week.  I mapped out a 2 mile route and a one mile route and I've set a base line for both.  I'm anxious to improve my times.  I'm concerned about the changing weather and the likelihood of walking in bad weather.  But I've got a plan to get started anyway.

My hardest struggle is the kitchen.  I have got to change the way I eat again.  I've got to get back to what I was doing when I was on the nutrition program.  This weekend I made granola and I'm working on shopping list a meal plan.  I'm back to logging my food every day. And I'm struggling with feelings of unfairness.  So many people don't have to manage their eating this much.  But then I think back on all the people I knew in Weight Watchers who really did have to log their food.  And some had a much bigger struggle than I did.

I can do this.  Life isn't fair.  I have to fight for my health.  But I have positives that I don't have to fight for and other people might envy.  I hope so anyway!  

So I'm off to do my meal planning for the week.  It's Christmas time now.  My first Christmas party is this weekend and I'll be ready for it.  I'm bringing my own drink (no alcohol) and a big salad, and a plan.  I will win this battle.