Two steps back, again.

OK loyal readers.  I'm back.

I've been sidelined with shingles.  I don't recommend.  What started out as, what I though was an irritation from an invisible shirt tag or stray tortilla chip turned into a rash and stabbing pain in shoulder and neck.  I couldn't wear a bra for several weeks.  Not because of the rash, which wasn't pleasant, but because the lymph nodes in my shoulder were so painful.  I had an earache and a sore throat from the swollen glands.  I also had pins and needle feeling in my shoulder that occasionally turned into the feeling that someone was stabbing me with a knitting needle.
I had to stay out of the gym for about 3 weeks, which has turned into 4 weeks with the holiday and guests and all around freaking busy schedule.

I'm down to a slight rash, slightly swollen nodes, and an ear ache, but all is manageable.  The shooting pains seem to be over and the tingling is gone.

Now I also have an oddly swollen foot and leg, which I think is mainly due to the prednizone I was taking.  So I'll be managing that for the time being.

I've marked the time in my calendar again now.  I'm back at the gym regularly with goals, beginning on Monday.  I attended the pull up seminar this week and I'm setting a goal based on that.  There will be extra time in the gym in July!!

The kids have their schedules set up for July and I can fit right into their work shifts.  I'm excited to be going back.  Also setting some fitbit goals.  All in, right???

Happy July folks.  Hope you can beat the heat (It's summer here), or the cold (for those in the Australian winter).

Are Doctors Even Paying Attention?

I saw Meg Allison's Instagram post today.  If you haven't seen it, you can find it here.  She is a Crossfit Games competitor.  She is in peak physical shape.  She has an 8 pack for goodness sake. One that looks like you could play xylophone on.
When she went to the doctor, he didn't even look at her.  He looked at her chart and told her that she should probably lose 5 -10 pounds.  He didn't even look at her with his eyes.

I'm not the same at Meg Allison.  I'm not in peak fitness.  I don't have an eight pack that you can see. I am overweight.  But I'm really strong.  I weight more than it looks like I do (even though it looks like I weigh a lot).  Muscle weighs more than fat does.  But I had an experience at the doctor that infuriates me as much as Meg's experience should infuriate anyone.

I go to Crossfit 3 -4 times per week.  I have changed up my diet and I was following a plan that had been successful for me.  But suddenly, I was gaining weight.  Not a little weight either.  I went up 40 pounds in total.  Fast.  Without changing anything.  Naturally, I was concerned and thought there might be an underlying cause.

So I went to the doctor. I explained what was going on and asked to have my thyroid checked along with anything else that might explain it.  My doctor said "exercise more and eat less; calories don't appear out of thin air".

As if the *only* possible explanation is that I eat too much and don't exercise.  She didn't take into consideration that I DO exercise and I AM eating appropriately.  She did check my thyroid (all is well).  Everything else came back normal too.  So normal that she is surprised at how healthy I am for being so fat.  FOR REAL.

I think that doctors are relying too much on what is typical.  Meg isn't typical.  I'm not typical.  We don't all fit in the same bucket.


I still maintain that there is something else going on.  I think my hormones are out of control as well. Perhaps it's related to my age?  As soon as I shake the Shingles, I'll be upping my gym time again and I'm working on how to fix my diet to get fat loss and muscle gain.  My weight is stabilized, but I'm having trouble losing it (once again). Also, I'll be looking for a new doctor soon.

My Why and Other Musings

Shari talks a lot about finding your "why".  No one will find the drive to make life changes without defining the reason for making the changes.  I listen, I really do.  I thought I had my why.

     I don't.

     I lost it.  I can't remember my why.

I went to a mini seminar at my box last week.  The topic was finding the motivation to reach your goals in the gym.  And the first of four bullet points was to Find Your Why.   He even went around the room and asked everyone what theirs was.  The one thing he added was that "losing weight" cannot be your why.  It has to have an emotional attachment to it.  I heard someone say he wanted to compete, one lady said Crossfit makes her feels younger, one said she wants to be able to do longer and more challenging hikes.  There were a lot of reasons.  I was last and couldn't remember mine.  I finally came up with "I wanted to be able to keep up with my kids".  And that is true.  When I started nearly 4 years ago, that was one of the reasons I wanted to do it.  But now I do a pretty good job of keeping up with them and showing them that I want to live a healthy lifestyle.

     So, I lost my why.  I need a new one.

- I thought about this a lot over the last week.  I do want to lost weight.  But, as my coach said, that doesn't hold enough emotion to be my why.  I did think of one though.  I'm tired of being out of breath and hurting all the time.  It's tiring and it's embarrassing.  I can be better.  I want to *feel* good.  And that has enough emotion to bring tears to my eyes when I think of it.

     And now it's in writing.

- The second point was to choose your community.  This is a tricky one.  Even my coach said this is the hardest of them all.  I've chosen part of my community to be Crossfit Post Falls.  There are the most supportive people in there.  They are the people who cheer and help lead me to be better.  Many many people in there have become good friends.

     But everyone has friends and family outside the gym.  To really be successful a person needs to be around the people who will help them reach their goals.  Don't hang around with the people who are going to drag you down.  Fortunately, I have few folks who don't support my goals. I think. I don't have anyone who pushes me to go to the bar.  There is a lot more junk food at my work than I should be around, but there isn't much I can do about that.  I have to change my work routine a little to avoid it all, and I can do that with a little effort.  The people I hang around with may not be on the same path as I am, but they love that I'm on this path and they are supportive.  My mom even changes the way she cooks when I'm coming over.   I think my community is pretty great.

- The third was pick a goal and track progress.  I wrote about picking a goal not too long ago.  I have to revisit and revise that one, but I've already started.  I have progress pictures and I log every workout in WODTogether.  I'm adding a goal to step up my running/walking again, and some weekly pull-up practice.   I spent a lot of time in the Open Gym time while I was training for Weightlifting and the extra gym time was super.  As soon as it was over though, I went right back to my old schedule.  I'm revising my gym schedule.  I'll be spending some time in the open gym time every time I'm in the gym.

   The goal I am choosing though, is to do another Olympic Weightlifting competition.  I really enjoyed that and I'd like to lift heavier.  Part of reaching that goal includes losing weight.  I'll be able to lift more if I'm not carrying all of this around all the time.

- And the final one was to celebrate small victories.  This one is hard for me.  Coach said that getting to the gym is not a small victory.  I disagree.  It might not be for him, but there are some of us who wouldn't do anything at all if not for getting to the gym and making it there is a daily challenge.  But I also see his point.  Getting there isn't enough.  It's the beginning of going though the motions.  I don't want to just go through the motions.  I don't celebrate getting to the gym.  I don't celebrate anything really.  Not like I used to.

     His point was not to celebrate every workout, or every round, but every single rep.  Every rep is a celebration.  I'm going to try to remember that when I hit the gym tonight.

Weightlifting Event

The weightlifting event this weekend was awesome.  So awesome.  I am so excited that I was a part of that.  Our gym/club was well represented with lifters (three of us were first timers), and the crowd was filled with Crossfit Post Falls members and family and friends of our lifters.  We have the best and most supportive community.  As soon as I figure out how to down load and post the videos that someone took of me, I will post them.

I truly look forward to doing more of this.  I've got to lose some weight and increase my lifts to get my scores higher.  I'm oddly excited for the challenge.

Negativity?!

I'm facing negativity all of the sudden. It's about the weightlifting. I am floored. Two very nice ladies at work are suddenly "you are going to hurt your back", "you shouldn't be weightlifting".  I was excited to share my adventure and can barely get a word in before they are shooting me down.  I'm surprised because the daughter of one lady is a circus performer and very talented gymnast.  She's training to do a hand balancing act and I've seen her do silk aerobatics. The ladies aren't telling her not to do something because there is a risk of injury.  So it leads me to believe that they think I'm either too old or too unfit to do this.  They don't even know that I have a coach, and I've been doing these lifts for 3 years already.  I'm just improving them now. With coaching. They don't know because they don't want to hear.

On the other hand, a good friend asked me all sorts of questions and was super excited with me. She gave me the best compliment. "One thing is certain, Krista, you aren't afraid to try new things".  That was awesome to hear. And I might write more about that later because, while flattering, it's far from accurate.

In any case, I guess I'll keep my training progress and competition to myself at work. Work isn't a happy place at the moment, so it's not a bad time to be silent and to take my lunches out of the office.  I'm surrounding myself with positive people and good influences.  I no longer have room for negativity in my life. I don't want the negative people to hold me back.
I'm still surprised but maybe I shouldn't be.

Competition

I wrote last about setting goals.  I'd realized recently that I don't have a goal to work towards.  I've started a SMART goal (which I still have yet to complete, actually) and I've been feeling GREAT about being at the gym regularly and working hard to improve.  I don't want to be there, just showing up.  I want to be gaining something.

Last week my coach asked if anyone wanted to compete in a local Olympic Weightlifting Competition.  My interest was immediately piqued.  I need to do something like that.  I WANT to do something like that.  I declined.

What??  Yep.  It's something I'm very interested in and I declined to sign up when an opportunity was handed to me.
It is very scary and I declined.  I think I secretly hoped he would try to talk me into it.  Because I'm sure I'd have been easily swayed.  But I also didn't really want him to, because I was embarrassed by my fear.

I put it on my calendar to go watch the others.  I thought I'd find out how a competition for Weightlifting works.  That might alleviate some of my fears for the next time. Right?

This weekend my coaches put on a mock Olympic Weightlifting Exhibition at the gym.  It was last minute and, though I know it wasn't, it felt like it was just for me.  I loved it.  I learned what lifts are expected, who can do it, who DOES do it, and how it all goes.  I joined in as a lifter and had a great time.  By the end of it I was sure that I did want to join.

I've contacted the coach about doing it.  The notice is short, but I feel OK about that, as a beginner.  I am supposed to meet with the coach tonight to talk about signing on.  Tonight I'll find out if he thinks there is time to practice for the upcoming event, or if I should find one a little further out.  Either way, I'm going to do it in 2017.

*update: I got the gym last night and jumped right in to training.  There was no talk about can I do it.  The coach told me what to do and I did it.  There are 3 girls doing it.  I think all of us are first timers.  I loved every minute of it.

**update: I'm now an official member of USA Weightlifting.  Eep!!

Setting Goals

There is some differing advice on setting and sharing goals.  It used to be that people said you should make a goal and share it with someone.  Telling someone what your goal is was supposed to make it more likely that you reach the goal.  It doesn't matter if you tell one person or if you announce it to everyone.  Saying it out loud to someone other than yourself helps you to reach the goal. 

The advice I see the most these days is to set a goal and to keep it private.  It's only your goal and sharing makes it less likely that you will reach the goal. I've read several articles with this advice recently. And it surprised me, because it is exactly opposite of the advice I'd followed previously.

I'm not sure how I feel about it.  Personally, I do a little of both.  

What to you think?  If you are reading this, please let me know what your opinion is.  Do you share a goal or keep it private?  And why? 

I've slacked on making goals of any kind recently.  And that shows. I haven't made any progress in any corner of my life either.  I need to have the carrot and I haven't provided myself with that lately.  It just so happens that it's the time of year that people are tossing out their new years resolutions.  It's ironic that I have reached a point where I need to set some goals. I was reminded recently that I can do hard things.  I have, in the past, made some life changing decisions that weren't easy to make and set the wheels in motion to make the changes.  I have done it.  I can do it again. 

It's spring now. A time of renewal. It seems fresh and clean and a good place to start.  It is now the beginning of April.  So this is the perfect time to find a target and set a goal.  It's time to go <again>. 

I've written before about SMART goals.  

SMART goals are Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Record-able, and Time-bound. This resolution will be a SMART one.  I think I'll try the advice of "keep it quiet" and see how it works.  I plan to set a lofty goal and map out the steps I need to take to reach it.  Perhaps I'll share next April, to see if I make it.  Lets see if I remember (feel free to ask me next year). 

Don't Sell Yourself Short

This summer I wrote this and for some reason I never published it.  I wish I had.  I'd forgotten about it already.  And it's important stuff to remember.  I'm glad I reread it and revisited that day.  

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Yesterday I had an eye opening experience.  It actually sounds like a very small thing when I try to tell the story, but to me it was a game changer. 

I am not a good runner.  But, I've said it before, I'd like to be one.  I once enjoyed running.  I ran from my house into the woods and down by the river on wooded trails.  I liked the trails better than the streets because I didn't feel like there were people watching me there.  I have always felt like there are people watching me as I pass each house on the street.  That used to be a problem for me.  Now, I think I've learned that it doesn't matter.  So what? So what if people watch you.  No one is likely to be watching you.  And if they are, who cares?  You are doing things and they are watching you do things.  It's less of a big deal now, but admittedly, still challenges me.

I'm in a challenge to run a simple 400 meters.  That's not too far.  I should be able to do that.  I actually *can* do that.  I have.  Recently.  But somehow, when I get halfway there, I feel like I just have to stop and catch my breath.  200 meters...  But I'm still doing the challenge and I'm gonna get to a point where that is a warm up run and I can do it.

I'm also not a fast runner.  But I'm faster than I was 3 years ago.  I did a 50 meter sprint WOD last week and while I was still last, I was done with the 50 meters before the people in front of me had turned around to walk back.  The run wasn't timed but I know that I was faster than the last time I sprinted.  

All of that leads to my eye opener.  Yesterday at the white board, discussing the workout of the day, the coach said " we are going to run to the park as a group".  I snorted.  All I could picture was everyone walking along as I slog to the park.  Coach was clearly annoyed with me and said "all the other classes managed it and don't sell yourself short".  I had.  I had sold myself short.  I may not be fast, but I do run.  And I can run as far as the park without stopping (It's about 400 meters away). 

I thought about that statement all night.  "Don't sell yourself short".  My attitude about a simple run affected the rest of the workout.  I believe that the coach gave me less support than the other athletes because he already knew that I wasn't supporting myself.  It isn't his job to boost me up and *make* me do the workout. It's only his job to make sure I'm doing it correctly and not setting myself up for injury.  I have to do the work that I know I can do and to push myself to go beyond that.  And not to sell myself short and set myself up for poor success.

I sent the coach a message this morning to thank him for pointing that out to me.  I thought I was being funny when I snorted and joked about the others walking along with me.  It really was self deprecating because I had already decided how the workout was going to be.  I promised that I wouldn't do that any more.  I have to be my own best support. 

The run to the park wasn't great.  I knew it wouldn't be.  It could have been though.  The run *in* the park was fun.  It was a barefoot running clinic.  The workout was meant to reteach us how to run, by running with no shoes and reminding our feet and bodies how our feet are naturally supposed to strike the ground.  I'd thought about the coaches words the whole wod and the run back to the gym was a lot better.  I needed the reminder. 

I won't sell myself short again soon.  

Performing update?

I've signed up for the Open again this year.  I was really on the fence for a long time.  I have lost fitness in the last 12 months and I don't really want to be tested on it.  I don't really want formal numbers floating out there for me and the whole world to see (as if anyone else is looking. I doubt anyone but my coach pays attention to that. At least I hope not. I'll be happy to keep assuming that is the case, so don't burst the bubble.). But whether I want those numbers floating around, they are necessary.  How can you measure your fitness without something to look back on?  

I also took the judging course and became a Crossfit Open certified judge.  I think that sometimes the little things like that make a big difference.  No, it doesn't help me squat deeper or heavier.  No, it doesn't help me do a pull up.  But it does help me see the standards and know that I should reach for those.  It helps me be a little more inspired.  It was worth it.  I have enjoyed judging the open so far this season.  I look forward to the next 2 weeks of it.

I haven't got a handle on Eat to Perform yet.  I rarely log my food into MFP to start with.  I need to get regular about that in order to make ETP work.  So I'll let the subscription lapse for a bit.  It's just a little too much stress for me at the moment.  I'll work on logging my food.  I have been eating the right foods again, in close to the right quantities, so that is a start. I know my macros will be off, because I'm not following closely enough, but that is getting easier, and will improve with better MFP logging.  It's all about keeping track.  It always has been.

It's almost outside weather again.  Daylight savings time has taken away the morning sunshine (for a few more weeks), but the evening sunshine is awesome.  The snow is almost melted but the rain now is cold and uncomfortable.  I have to learn to embrace that, or wait it out.  I shouldn't wait it out.  I should be walking and getting that endurance back again.  I know that my coaches are excited to plan running wods again.  Sigh...

I've started using my FitBit again.  I actually got an upgrade.  I've started work week walking challenges with a couple friends.  And have expectations that I'll be inspired to get some extra steps.

Goals for this month include getting up early a few times each week to walk a mile, hitting Crossfit 4x per week, and logging meals into MFP every day.  Doing those things will trigger other things, like meal planning, water drinking, and mobilization.

I'm feeling inspired again and have already got the wheels in motion to make improvements.

Eat to Perform

I spent most of the last 3-4 months (I don't even want to look back to see when it all started), feeling blue.  The thing about feeling blue is, I don't really know when it starts.  Sometime, after it's been going on awhile, I make a realization that I'm blue.  Once I make the realization I can make steps to start feeling good again.  But #1, there has already been damage to plans, body, mind, and I feel worse playing catch up, and #2, it is agonizingly hard to take the steps to feel good, when you don't feel good.

But I did.

Once it struck me that I wasn't well, I was able to work toward feeling good again.  I think that last week I finally cracked the glass and I'm back to normal.  I tried very hard to take the difficult steps to fix the things that held me down.  I didn't always win, but I won more than I lost, which is most important.  I also didn't allow myself to go backwards.  Sure, every day wasn't a step forward, but it wasn't a step backwards either, and it's OK to stay in place sometimes.

I saw my doctor because I was gaining weight again.  I knew that I wasn't going to the gym as often as I had been all year long.  And it was the holidays, so there were a few splurge meals.  All in all, I ate really well through the holidays. We didn't have candy and junk food in our house, but I did have wine there.  I didn't splurge on donuts and baked goods.  I still ate well.  I gained 20 pounds in the months of my depression.  20.  That's ridiculous.  And I didn't believe that it was entirely my fault.  I told the doctor my concerns and her response was "well, eat less and exercise more, calories don't appear out of thin air."  I asked her test my thyroid anyway.  There is a family history of thyroid issues, and they way I was feeling, that might explain some of it.  My tests all came back as if I was 130 pounds and fit as a fiddle.  My doctor is floored.  This is the second time she has seen the blood work come back saying I'm healthier than she expected.  I think she wanted to tell me that I had high cholesterol and I was pre-diabetic.  Because I'm 100 pounds overweight.  She is sticking with "eat less and exercise more", and I'll be looking for a different doctor.

I've learned that it's more than just calories in and calories out.  So, I've joined a group called Eat to Perform.  They help coach you on how and when to eat for your lifestyle.  It turned out that I was eating 500 - 1,000 fewer calories in a day than I should be.  Yep, I don't eat enough.  Even when I make the right choices in *what* to eat, I wasn't eating enough of it.  
This program is right up my alley.  It has spreadsheets and tables and graphs.  I fill out some points and it automatically calculates other columns.  It's the kind of table that I'd build!  And I'm suddenly overwhelmed by it.  My next step is to schedule a phone call with the coaches of ETP.  And to learn how to bring my MyFitnessPal data over and watch the spreadsheets populate.

I also set up an attendance challenge at the gym.  I offered a Crossfit Post Falls t-shirt to the person who signs up and attends the most.  I didn't intend to let anyone get the shirt. I wanted it.  Hahaha.  The intention was to encourage some people who are struggling to get to the gym (like I was) to have a little extra motivator.  Unfortunately, there are several people who don't need the extra push, who signed up and are running away with the challenge.  It's only 2 weeks in, so far, and maybe those people need the motivation in ways that I don't see.  So 4 more weeks and we will see how it all goes. I'm going regularly, but I don't see myself winning anymore.  But I'm OK with that.  To me, the challenge is serving a purpose.  My attendance is written on the white board with other people.  I like to see those numbers increase.