I struggle with depression. It's no surprise. Many
people in my family have the problem. When I look
back on my life I can probably guess when it first hit me. It's linked
hand in hand with self esteem issues I had when I was a child.
I treated my depression with prescription meds, for the first time, when I was in college, but stopped when I graduated and moved away and finding a doctor seemed like a daunting task. I battled post partem depression when my first child was born and went back on meds for a short time. When I was going through the roughest time in my marriage and then divorce, I was again treated with prescription meds.
But that time, the last time, they didn't help me. I went through about 5 different kinds of medication that either made me gain weight (a problem I already have and don't need to exacerbate), did nothing at all (I felt no worse, but no better), or made me foggy and slow. Once I tripped on a twig in an empty parking lot. I fell onto the pavement without even throwing up my hands to catch myself. The left side of my face (brand new glasses), one knee, and a shoulder took the brunt of it. I got up, dusted myself off, called myself clumsy, and then *drove to work*. Scary, but I had no idea I was slow.
Most of the time I wasn't on medication. I ate or drank booze to feel better. I'm sure there is a scientific reason that people eat to feel better. I haven't looked into it. I know that I do it. I remember going to the pantry when I was growing up and eating raw noodles, an entire bag of chips, cereal with no milk, anything I could eat, quickly, without cooking or risking a chance of anyone seeing me eat.
I came across the internet meme that says "food is the most abused anti anxiety drug and exercise is the most underutilized anti depressant". It really hits a chord with me. I've been doing Crossfit regularly for 18 months or so. I was going 4 times per week for some time. It's true! Exercise helps. Unfortunately, it isn't foolproof and depression can sneak in still. It has. I'm struggling right now. It makes a vicious circle, actually. ** I know exercise helps, but I find it incredibly difficult to go to the gym. If I miss, I'm upset about letting myself talk me out of it. When I go, I do feel a lot better, however, it is *much* easier to tell myself "I'm not good enough to be there" and "I'm kidding myself if I think I'm getting better". **
I'm battling right now. But I've learned over the years that #depressionlies and it won't last forever, and pretty soon I'll be back to feeling good. I'll keep going to the gym and trying my best, because it does help me. I'm going to keep doing the food challenge (which I've totally rocked in the past, but am having a terrible time this time. It's not designed for emotional eating, which is good, but leaves me frustrated a lot). But mostly because I want my kids to see me fight through it and come out on top. And I want them to know that when and if they have to fight this monster, they have the tools and support to get them through it too.
#depressionlies
