I can't believe we are in August already! The time has just flown by! I keep meaning to blog, but then time gets away from me. I get to the end of another weekend and I still haven't managed to find the time. There always seems to be so much to do! I don't think I will ever be "done"! I am starting to come to terms with this though. I have come to realise that there is never going to be a day when everything is done, and that is not necessarily a bad thing. It just means that I am always trying to achieve more. I get to one goal, and no sooner have I done that then I set my sights on the next goal. I have learnt that it is a basic human need to progress, and if we are continuing to progress, then how can everything ever be done? What I need to work on is not beating myself up so much when it takes me longer to achieve a goal that I set out to achieve. I need to listen to Krista about rest. I need to make sure that I rest when I need it. I am getting better at it, but I can still improve. When I get down about things not happening as quickly as I would like, I remind myself of how far I have come. Five years ago, I would never have dreamed that I would be where I am today. I need to continue to do things as I have done up until now. One day at a time, one step at a time. It may be a long, slow slog. Sometimes I may go 2 steps forward and 1 step back, but as long as I keep going I CAN NOT fail! I have readjusted my mindset over the last week. I feel different already and I won't even be officially starting on the next part of my journey until Monday morning. Somebody told me the other day that I look different too, which confirmed to me that I have truly found that "enthusiasm" again that Krista mentioned in her second last post. I am refocused and know that by achieving my next goal, exciting things will happen which will begin the start of a whole new chapter for me. I still have a few chapters to go and I am so very excited to see how they unfold. I am so glad I found the time to blog today. I wasn't intending to. It wasn't on my to do list. It has been something I have been meaning to do for a while, but it hadn't crossed my mind to do it today until I sat down at the computer to do some business stuff. However, the very process of composing this post has helped me to affirm even more so that my mind is ready to get started. Exciting things are coming, and I promise to do my very best to keep you up to date! Shari

Rules

Never miss a Monday.  It starts your week off with a workout and sets the tone for the rest of the week. 

Get to the gym, or yoga, or dance class, or karate, or whatever your gym of choice is at least 3 days per week. Minimum. 

Never go 3 days in a row without exercise. 

Rest when you need it.  Even if you think you don't, you do.

Motivation vs Enthusiasm

Motivation: inspiration, desire, inclination, interest.

Enthusiasm: eagerness, intensity, passion.

Motivation is the wrong word to use to describe our interest in getting healthy.  I'm motivated to lose weight.  I have ALWAYS been motivated.  It doesn't mean that I'm always actively working on that desire.  Motivation is simply the desire or reason to do something. 

   I love to read the Inspiration posts on Facebook or Pinterest, but they are simply there to reaffirm that I have a desire to do something.  It isn't what actually motivates me do it.

Enthusiasm is what is often mistakenly identified as motivation. Once in a while we all get on a bandwagon and eat right and exercise every day and say "I'm so motivated right now".  It's true that you are motivated, but it's more true that you are enthusiastic about the process at the moment. 

It's just a *little* bit of difference. 

Lets all continue to be motivated.  And lets all amp up the enthusiasm too!  Instead of telling the world how motivated we are, lets show the world how active we are.  Shari is really doing this, I can do better, how about you? 

Bloomsday 2015

I did Bloomsday again this year.  It was the boys 4th year to race.  I'm not sure how many I've done now. I can't remember which years I did when I was younger.  I think it's about 5.  I know for certain I did it in 1992 and 1993.  I also know I did a few before those.  I wish I could remember which ones.  I wonder if there is a way to look it up.  I'm interested in knowing!

In 2015, I walked with my good friend Linda.  Her son and Xander are best friends and also stuck together for the race.  Those boys pealed off from our group as soon as the race started.  I know that Xander wanted to get a really good time.  His friend, however, is a lot more laid back, and was just in it for the experience.  They were about 3/4 of a mile ahead of us at one point.  But the moms caught up with them at about mile 6.  They were surprised!   Xander talked him into picking up the pace again for the last mile +.  They beat us by 3 minutes.  It was Xanders best time yet.  And I know that he's going to aim to beat it next year.
Nathan also ran ahead right at the start.  He was more than a mile ahead of us by the end.  He said he ran for a while, then walked for a while, then ran when he felt like it until he finished.  I was really glad that he decided to participate at all.  He was reluctant last year and I gave him the choice this time.  He enthusiastically signed up.  He's growing up.  :)  He finished in less than 2 hours and has an even better score to beat next year. 

I was happy with my own time.  I was hoping to come in under 2:10:00.  We kept a very steady pace through the whole race.  I think I may have slowed a bit in the last 2 miles, but I'd catch myself and speed back up.  I made sure I was consistently passing people.  It was a measure for me.  Always have someone to pass.  I didn't come in under 2:10:00.  I missed it by 3 minutes.  But I'm still very happy with my time.  I was 8 minutes faster than the best time in the last 4 years. 

If I really want to improve and beat those times I have to learn to run some.  I won't beat a 2 hour mark without picking up my feet a little more.  I think I should also set up a timer so that I can keep track of how long I take per mile.  I'll then know that I have to pick up the pace to make it.  I didn't use my phone to time myself this time.  I think I'll try that next year. 

I'm looking forward to a couple little fun runs this year.  I'll use those to improve!  I'm getting faster.

	2012	2013*	2014	2015
Finish Time	2:26:15	2:47:10	2:21:07	2:13:05
Time up Doomsday Hill	8:01	11:10	8:02	7:15

*in 2013 I threw my back out the day before the race.  I didn't think I'd make it at all.  I finished, but my time was miserable. 

Depression Lies

I struggle with depression. It's no surprise.  Many people in my family have the problem.  When I look back on my life I can probably guess when it first hit me.  It's linked hand in hand with self esteem issues I had when I was a child. 

I treated my depression with prescription meds, for the first time, when I was in college, but stopped when I graduated and moved away and finding a doctor seemed like a daunting task.  I battled post partem depression when my first child was born and went back on meds for a short time.  When I was going through the roughest time in my marriage and then divorce, I was again treated with prescription meds. 

But that time, the last time, they didn't help me.  I went through about 5 different kinds of medication that either made me gain weight (a problem I already have and don't need to exacerbate), did nothing at all (I felt no worse, but no better), or made me foggy and slow.  Once I tripped on a twig in an empty parking lot. I fell onto the pavement without even throwing up my hands to catch myself.  The left side of my face (brand new glasses), one knee, and a shoulder took the brunt of it.  I got up, dusted myself off, called myself clumsy, and then *drove to work*.  Scary, but I had no idea I was slow. 

Most of the time I wasn't on medication.  I ate or drank booze to feel better.  I'm sure there is a scientific reason that people eat to feel better.  I haven't looked into it.  I know that I do it. I remember going to the pantry when I was growing up and eating raw noodles, an entire bag of chips, cereal with no milk, anything I could eat, quickly, without cooking or risking a chance of anyone seeing me eat. 

I came across the internet meme that says "food is the most abused anti anxiety drug and exercise is the most underutilized anti depressant".  It really hits a chord with me.  I've been doing Crossfit regularly for 18 months or so.  I was going 4 times per week for some time.  It's true!  Exercise helps.  Unfortunately, it isn't foolproof and depression can sneak in still.  It has.  I'm struggling right now.  It makes a vicious circle, actually. ** I know exercise helps, but I find it incredibly difficult to go to the gym.  If I miss, I'm upset about letting myself talk me out of it.  When I go, I do feel a lot better, however, it is *much* easier to tell myself "I'm not good enough to be there" and "I'm kidding myself if I think I'm getting better". **

I'm battling right now.  But I've learned over the years that #depressionlies and it won't last forever, and pretty soon I'll be back to feeling good.  I'll keep going to the gym and trying my best, because it does help me.  I'm going to keep doing the food challenge (which I've totally rocked in the past, but am having a terrible time this time.  It's not designed for emotional eating, which is good, but leaves me frustrated a lot).  But mostly because I want my kids to see me fight through it and come out on top.  And I want them to know that when and if they have to fight this monster, they have the tools and support to get them through it too. 

#depressionlies

Time to pull my finger out!!

Ummmmm......where do I start?!! I haven't posted for a very long while. Last year was a pretty quiet year for me, considering the year before that. It was busy....I am always busy.....but not busy doing the things I should have been busy doing. I pretty much just skated through. Got what I absolutely had to get done and that was about it. The year just flew by. It was not the best year for me for a few different reasons. My daughter moved out of home, but she didn't just go down the road a bit or to the next suburb or state even.....she went all the way across the world to live with my American sister Krista (thankyou so much for looking after my precious girl!) and is attending college at North Idaho College. We had been together for eighteen years and it has been such a huge thing for me and no doubt for her. Don't get me wrong. I am so very happy and excited for her that she is having such a wonderful adventure and following her dreams, but I miss her terribly! I have also had a very big struggle financially.....college is damn expensive & I am a single mother.....I have become a poor college student by default lol!! Looking back on the year just gone, I also have realized that I didn't bounce back from my surgeries as well as I could have. Not because I wasn't physically able. Because I was lazy. That's probably a bit harsh. I think I was tired. Tired of the continuing struggle. Tired of always having to work so hard to just remain a normal size. I feel at times that "normal" people don't have to watch every single thing that goes in their mouth and exercise at least 6 days a week to stay a "normal" size. That's what I have to do. If I don't I put on weight very quickly. It is so very frustrating and demotivating. I also think that I was scared. After my surgeries, all there is left to do is try to achieve the result that I want. Theoretically, there is nothing standing in my way now, except to try. I have a picture in my head. I would like to be a size 10 and toned enough to feel comfortable in a swimsuit. I am scared that no matter how hard I try, it will all be in vain. I am scared that no matter how hard I work, I am not going to be happy with the result that I get. I am scared that my body is so abnormal, that no matter what I do, it is never going to be at a point where I am happy. I don't think I have unrealistic expectations. I don't want to be a model. I don't want to be ripped. I just want to not wobble, and I am so very scared that it is not achievable for my stupid body. It sounds incredibly stupid I know, but that is the way that my brain works. My brain has been the problem the whole time. People don't realize how much the mind plays a part in things like this. Overcoming the stupid stuff going on in my brain is most of the battle. When I get the better of my fears, I can do anything. Sooooo.....2015 is a new year. I intended to come bursting out of the gates on January 1st, full steam ahead. Wrote down all my goals and plans of action and although I have been working towards them, I still seemed to be just plodding along....until last week. I decided that I should look at the calendar to see how many weeks I had to reach my final body goal and break the weight loss needed down into a weekly figure. I have to June. That's heaps of time. I am so very glad I looked at that calendar and counted the weeks out! 20 weeks......which is now 19.....to get to my final goal! I have around 20-30kgs to lose. I am not sure exactly how much weight I have to lose because I really don't care about the number on the scales, as long as I am a minimum size 12 (but would really like to be a 10 if I can get there) and toned enough to be comfortable wearing a swimsuit out in public. I have never ever felt comfortable in a swimsuit and I turn 40 in 20 weeks. Now my goal is reaffirmed and time is not my friend. I am the world's biggest procrastinator, and as per usual, I have left it to the absolute last possible minute! My goal is still achievable though, and I am going to fight with all my might to get there. I have a big battle ahead of me.....mainly with my mind......this crap is real now......time to pull that finger out!!! Let's make this our year to reach our goals. Whatever they are. Whether they are big or small. We can do it!! Until the next time, I wish you all well in this battle that so many of us have to fight!! Shari xoxoxo