Time to pull my finger out!!

Ummmmm......where do I start?!! I haven't posted for a very long while. Last year was a pretty quiet year for me, considering the year before that. It was busy....I am always busy.....but not busy doing the things I should have been busy doing. I pretty much just skated through. Got what I absolutely had to get done and that was about it. The year just flew by. It was not the best year for me for a few different reasons. My daughter moved out of home, but she didn't just go down the road a bit or to the next suburb or state even.....she went all the way across the world to live with my American sister Krista (thankyou so much for looking after my precious girl!) and is attending college at North Idaho College. We had been together for eighteen years and it has been such a huge thing for me and no doubt for her. Don't get me wrong. I am so very happy and excited for her that she is having such a wonderful adventure and following her dreams, but I miss her terribly! I have also had a very big struggle financially.....college is damn expensive & I am a single mother.....I have become a poor college student by default lol!! Looking back on the year just gone, I also have realized that I didn't bounce back from my surgeries as well as I could have. Not because I wasn't physically able. Because I was lazy. That's probably a bit harsh. I think I was tired. Tired of the continuing struggle. Tired of always having to work so hard to just remain a normal size. I feel at times that "normal" people don't have to watch every single thing that goes in their mouth and exercise at least 6 days a week to stay a "normal" size. That's what I have to do. If I don't I put on weight very quickly. It is so very frustrating and demotivating. I also think that I was scared. After my surgeries, all there is left to do is try to achieve the result that I want. Theoretically, there is nothing standing in my way now, except to try. I have a picture in my head. I would like to be a size 10 and toned enough to feel comfortable in a swimsuit. I am scared that no matter how hard I try, it will all be in vain. I am scared that no matter how hard I work, I am not going to be happy with the result that I get. I am scared that my body is so abnormal, that no matter what I do, it is never going to be at a point where I am happy. I don't think I have unrealistic expectations. I don't want to be a model. I don't want to be ripped. I just want to not wobble, and I am so very scared that it is not achievable for my stupid body. It sounds incredibly stupid I know, but that is the way that my brain works. My brain has been the problem the whole time. People don't realize how much the mind plays a part in things like this. Overcoming the stupid stuff going on in my brain is most of the battle. When I get the better of my fears, I can do anything. Sooooo.....2015 is a new year. I intended to come bursting out of the gates on January 1st, full steam ahead. Wrote down all my goals and plans of action and although I have been working towards them, I still seemed to be just plodding along....until last week. I decided that I should look at the calendar to see how many weeks I had to reach my final body goal and break the weight loss needed down into a weekly figure. I have to June. That's heaps of time. I am so very glad I looked at that calendar and counted the weeks out! 20 weeks......which is now 19.....to get to my final goal! I have around 20-30kgs to lose. I am not sure exactly how much weight I have to lose because I really don't care about the number on the scales, as long as I am a minimum size 12 (but would really like to be a 10 if I can get there) and toned enough to be comfortable wearing a swimsuit out in public. I have never ever felt comfortable in a swimsuit and I turn 40 in 20 weeks. Now my goal is reaffirmed and time is not my friend. I am the world's biggest procrastinator, and as per usual, I have left it to the absolute last possible minute! My goal is still achievable though, and I am going to fight with all my might to get there. I have a big battle ahead of me.....mainly with my mind......this crap is real now......time to pull that finger out!!! Let's make this our year to reach our goals. Whatever they are. Whether they are big or small. We can do it!! Until the next time, I wish you all well in this battle that so many of us have to fight!! Shari xoxoxo