I spent most of the last 3-4 months (I don't even want to look back to see when it all started), feeling blue. The thing about feeling blue is, I don't really know when it starts. Sometime, after it's been going on awhile, I make a realization that I'm blue. Once I make the realization I can make steps to start feeling good again. But #1, there has already been damage to plans, body, mind, and I feel worse playing catch up, and #2, it is agonizingly hard to take the steps to feel good, when you don't feel good.
But I did.
Once it struck me that I wasn't well, I was able to work toward feeling good again. I think that last week I finally cracked the glass and I'm back to normal. I tried very hard to take the difficult steps to fix the things that held me down. I didn't always win, but I won more than I lost, which is most important. I also didn't allow myself to go backwards. Sure, every day wasn't a step forward, but it wasn't a step backwards either, and it's OK to stay in place sometimes.
I saw my doctor because I was gaining weight again. I knew that I wasn't going to the gym as often as I had been all year long. And it was the holidays, so there were a few splurge meals. All in all, I ate really well through the holidays. We didn't have candy and junk food in our house, but I did have wine there. I didn't splurge on donuts and baked goods. I still ate well. I gained 20 pounds in the months of my depression. 20. That's ridiculous. And I didn't believe that it was entirely my fault. I told the doctor my concerns and her response was "well, eat less and exercise more, calories don't appear out of thin air." I asked her test my thyroid anyway. There is a family history of thyroid issues, and they way I was feeling, that might explain some of it. My tests all came back as if I was 130 pounds and fit as a fiddle. My doctor is floored. This is the second time she has seen the blood work come back saying I'm healthier than she expected. I think she wanted to tell me that I had high cholesterol and I was pre-diabetic. Because I'm 100 pounds overweight. She is sticking with "eat less and exercise more", and I'll be looking for a different doctor.
I've learned that it's more than just calories in and calories out. So, I've joined a group called Eat to Perform. They help coach you on how and when to eat for your lifestyle. It turned out that I was eating 500 - 1,000 fewer calories in a day than I should be. Yep, I don't eat enough. Even when I make the right choices in *what* to eat, I wasn't eating enough of it.
This program is right up my alley. It has spreadsheets and tables and graphs. I fill out some points and it automatically calculates other columns. It's the kind of table that I'd build! And I'm suddenly overwhelmed by it. My next step is to schedule a phone call with the coaches of ETP. And to learn how to bring my MyFitnessPal data over and watch the spreadsheets populate.
I also set up an attendance challenge at the gym. I offered a Crossfit Post Falls t-shirt to the person who signs up and attends the most. I didn't intend to let anyone get the shirt. I wanted it. Hahaha. The intention was to encourage some people who are struggling to get to the gym (like I was) to have a little extra motivator. Unfortunately, there are several people who don't need the extra push, who signed up and are running away with the challenge. It's only 2 weeks in, so far, and maybe those people need the motivation in ways that I don't see. So 4 more weeks and we will see how it all goes. I'm going regularly, but I don't see myself winning anymore. But I'm OK with that. To me, the challenge is serving a purpose. My attendance is written on the white board with other people. I like to see those numbers increase.
