Frustrations!

I think the whole video episode has put me off my game. I'm frustrated about the gym and yesterday I felt I could just toss it in and give up. After seeing the video of a fat chick who isn't me I feel like I'm getting nowhere fast. I've put in a lot of effort and I'm seeing very little result. It FEELS like. I KNOW it isn't true, but it absolutely feels like that today.

In fact, I can see a difference when I look in the mirror.  My face is thinner and I have one less chin (I still have too many).  I am down a bra size. Really. A cup size down. And several notches in on the wrap around size, which has a name I can't think of in my grumpy state. I have, not one, but two, different friends who have said my arms are looking smaller.  I can't see it but it must be true if it came from two different directions.  I can lift the water cooler bottle with no problem. And walk up the steps without holding the handrail and going sideways.

If I was feeling like me, and I'm not, I'd be happy for those landmarks. But what I'm seeing today is someone whose pants still fit too tight at the waist. Someone who cant even shop at a trendy shop in the mall because they don't seem to sell clothes my size. Someone who, still, after 5 months at Crossfit can't do a proper GIRL push-up.  And someone who could literally not walk properly for three days this week because of tight hamstrings pulling her hip out of place, and an ankle that has maybe been not seated properly for the last 18 years, but won't fix no matter the stretches attempted. (Seriously, 18 years I've been fretting about the mobility difference in my ankles, only to find out now it should be fixable).

Maybe this weekend I'll get back to remembering that I walked all over the base of the ski hill helping kids go every direction over the weekend, when I would have been in the lodge reading in past years.  Or that I'm actually excited for some races that I'm participating in this summer (for fun!). Or that I'm improving my times and weights at Crossfit (even if its a snails pace).  [wait, no negatives here].  And I'll remember that I improved my HH time over last year. And I'm able to pick up my feet and run at few yards at a time now. And that I'm on track to get my green belt this year. 

But right now I'm just having trouble getting to those happy thoughts. As long as I don't splurge on eating a whole pizza by myself and drinking a bottle of wine tonight I'll get through this slump. But it would be nice to hear that I'm not alone. Or that I'll feel better and stronger tomorrow.

Hangover Handicap 2014

I wrote this 2 weeks ago and it somehow didn't get posted. 

Still smiling before the Hangover Handicap.

 

I talked the boys into doing the Hangover Handicap with me this year. It wasn’t too hard to talk them into it. I asked if they wanted to do it with me and they both said yes. No arm twisting required. Although it was a slightly different story when I had to roust the teenager out of bed in the morning, after he had stayed up to ring in the new year. At least he isn’t old enough to be hungover, just a sleepy teen.

It was about 10 degrees warmer this year than it was last year when I did it. We started at 30 degrees, but it warmed up to 36 or so by the end of the race. I wore a long sleeve tshirt and a sweatshirt and by the end was sweaty and hot. So it was plenty. Z wore a sweatshirt with a down vest over it. Then he wore the race t-shirt over all of that. He resembled a blue stay puff marshmallow man. Nate opted to not get the t-shirt. It saved me $10 to skip buying a shirt he said he won’t ever wear. I got one for myself though. I’m collecting race shirts now. :)

 

Nathan was happy to walk by my side the whole time. We chatted and laughed and enjoyed each others company. He is a kid who is less active than he should be. He enjoys running and playing rough and being active when he is encouraged to, but he isn’t likely to jump up and choose it. He seemed to enjoy the walk and he told me he had fun. He is definitely looking forward to the other races that we are planning this year. They both ran ahead when we got to the Vitacourse by the lake. It’s a series of obstacles and instructions that have been placed there, I assume, by the city or some exercise group. They did each one and caught up with me as I kept walking. Other than that, he stuck with me.

Xander is a very active child. He doesn’t sit still for very long at all. He really wanted to run the whole race. So I encouraged him to run to X (the sign, a tree, the bench, etc). He would run to the point and either run back to us, or wait for us to catch up, then take off for the next point. He brought his yo-yo with him and the last mile he walked and played with the yo-yo. He’d drag behind a little, then run to catch up. He was a little bored waiting for us and told me to "keep going to the gym" so that we can run the next race. I doubt I’ll be running races by the next one that we are already signed up for, but I’ll be faster than today. I might ask a runner friend to go with him. He asked me to sign him up for some track races that are competitions. He did the America’s Kid Fun Run in 2009 (he was tiny) and still remembers that and has that in mind for a challenge. That was Jr Bloomsday, and I’m not sure they do it anymore. I told him he does Bloomsday now so he doesn’t need to do that one. But he walks Bloomsday with me so I guess it doesn’t count. :)

We finished 8 minutes faster than last years time. I was impressed. When I started the race I was already sore from an intense squat workout the day before. I didn’t stride as long as I might have so I thought I’d be just as slow as last year. It was a great feeling to push the stop button on the timer and see progress.

 

I ended up with some knarly blisters. One is the size of a quarter and I didn’t even know I was getting it! It showed up later in the day. Another is on the ball of my foot. I felt the friction on that spot for the last 2 miles. I think it’s almost time for some new shoes. Today I’m wearing super cushy socks that I got for Christmas. It helps!

Crossfittin'

A few years ago a friend wanted to try Crossfit.  Somehow she talked me into it.  I had been in a rut and wanted to get to a gym and it was great to have someone ask me to go with them.  We could support each other.  I had mixed feelings about it though.  I was excited to be asked to go with a friend and not excited about how the heck I was going to fit it into my schedule.  The gym (or "box" as Crossfitters call it.  I think it's dumb and continue to call it a gym) was in CdA and I work in Spokane.  And Crossfit has class times.  It's not the kind of gym that you just go to when you have time.  You have to go to a class and everyone does the workout together with a coach watching and encouraging you.  They have the classes at times throughout the day and the evening and it's the same workout all day (the Workout of the Day, or WOD).  And on top of that in order to join the gym you have to do a "boot camp" to learn the moves safely.  I think the bootcamp was a couple days a week for a month when I did it back then. 

 

So I signed up for boot camp with Heather.  The only time I could fit it into my schedule was in the morning before work.  So I would get up earlier than normal to go to CdA to the gym for an hour.  Then head to Spokane for work.  I live between the two towns which are 40 miles apart.  I liked Crossfit a lot.  I liked the idea of having a coach all the time.  I like the workouts.  I felt stronger even after that short time.  But I could not get around the location.  I could not make it work for me and still have time with my family.  So I did the boot camp and did not sign up for the gym after that. 

 

I looked for alternative Crossfit gyms that might work better for me.  There is one in Spokane Valley.  It isn't directly on the way to or from work, but it isn't far off the path.  I never plucked up the nerve to look into it after looking at the website and getting the impression that they are way more hardcore than I am.  Last June I saw little yard signs in the grass off the freeway on my way to work, advertising a brand new Crossfit that is only blocks away from my office.  I checked out the website and I sent them an email to say that their signs worked and I knew they were there.  I had planned to start going there when summer was over.  When school started up again I looked up their number after work and made the plan to call them in the morning and stop in to see them and get signed up.   Then, on my way home that very day I drove past a *brand new* Crossfit building in Post Falls.  It is literally on my route home.  I was so excited that I sent them an email that night before I headed off to Aikido.  And they returned my email immediately.  I was one of the first 15 to join the gym.  I have been going three days a week ever since then (barring the weeks that I was on a business trip and the week I thought I was dying from the flu). 

 

I have set goals. I have learned some of my weaknesses.  I have made progress and I can see changes.  I love it.  I love the coaches.  I love the other people who go (though most of the time I have a class time to myself still).  I love the workouts.  Even the ones I hate.  This is the gym for me. 

 

It's made me reevaluate my weight loss goals.  I am no longer focused on losing X number of pounds and watching the scale.  I haven't stepped on the scale in weeks.  I am now focusing on what I can do now that I couldn't before.  And that list gets longer all the time.  I am now focused on the jeans I am wearing today and the ones I just sent to the thrift shop.  I have to buy new workout gear already because some of my sloppy yoga pants slide down more than I'm comfortable with.  I'm focusing a little bit on breaking PR's, to challenge myself.  Those are the good numbers that mean something, not the ones on the scale.

Breaking the breakfast fast

Breakfast : Why is it that breakfast is the hardest meal for me to eat.  It's not that I don't like breakfast food. I love it.  For years I have a routine of getting up, hopping in the shower, getting the kids ready for school while I get ready for work and heading out the door.  Breakfast isn't in that routine.  We leave the house pretty early and the kids eat breakfast at school.  It's hot and it's cheap.  I used to come to work and have coffee for breakfast.  A couple cups of coffee with my yummy-flavored-calorie-sugar laden creamer were all I'd have.  I quit coffee in April and so I haven't been having anything for breakfast for a while.  This week I've started a campaign to eat better.  And I'm starting with breakfast.  I have a bowl of hard boiled eggs that I can grab on the run and I'm keeping fruit and yogurt handy.  I've also got granola bars and trail mix.  I still don't want to get up any earlier to fix a breakfast so I have to have things I can grab on the go.  At least for the moment.  I'm getting ideas for freezer to microwave egg/sausage/bacon/English muffin/hash brown goodness as well.  It's a start.  It's always a start.  I'm finding that eating something in the morning makes me hungrier by lunch time.  I don't know if that means I'm burning calories or not, but my body definitely knows that something is different.   

Who is that?

My coach at Crossfit took a video of me doing an air squat and a front squat yesterday.  The purpose of the video was to show me that my air squats are getting lazy and I'm leaning forward to much.  My front squats look a little better than my air squats because I keep my elbows pushed up which keeps my chest up and makes it hard to be lazy.  The idea of taking the video was a great one.  And I got the point.  I'll be working on making my air squats better.  They are the basis of everything. 

 

But when he showed me the video to compare one squat to the other, I had a *very* difficult time watching the mechanics of the squat.  All I could focus on to begin with was the FAT girl in the video.  If I hadn't known that he had *just* taken that video a moment before I would not have known it was me.  I do not feel like that girl.  A year ago I felt like that girl, but not today. 

 

It was a very confusing moment for me.  So many things went through my head in that short moment and unfortunately squat mechanics was just about the last one.  I had a difficult time recognizing that person.  And I had to remind myself that it was me in the video.  And I felt that it couldn't possibly be.  I  do not FEEL like I should be looking like that.  I am a person who just made a lofty goal of being able to do a pull up.  Just one pull-up, assisted.  And as I looked at the girl in the video I wondered how she can even achieve that one goal, or any of the others. 

 

I had *just* told the coaches that I can see a change in my body and the way my clothes fit.  And here is a video of a very fat girl.  It's an image I can't get out of my head.  It's both disappointing and motivating.  I don't feel like that, why am I letting myself look like that.   It's good an bad.  Good that it might be motivating.  But bad in that it makes me want to cover up and hide. 

 

I am sure that the coach deleted the videos after he showed them to me.  They had served the purpose they were meant to.  I'll be focusing on keeping my chest up when I'm doing my squats.  I think I got more from that video than just that though.